Wow, the last 3 days have been incredible.

For the first time ever, a group of survivors and parents organized a conference to address the far too common, and yet still taboo topic of sibling sexual trauma/abuse, and I was there.

There was such power in these rooms.

People who’ve done the work to live the life they want and rise above the life that was handed to them.

I know I've been a little quieter than usual lately.

But I haven't been hiding. I've been living.

Three months in Mexico. Flying across the country to watch my niece graduate.

Long dinners with people I love. Spreading my grandmother's ashes with my dad, three years after her passing (hey, better late than never, right?!).

This is what I mean when I say that I’ve intentionally crafted the life I want, instead of living out the life that was handed to me.

 And it doesn't always look big and bold. 

Yesterday, Mary from Washington showed up to our IG Live and I'm so glad she did. She's been carrying a painful dynamic with her two sons for a long time. 

Hurt feelings. Invalidation. That aching sense of not being seen or understood by the people you love most. Sound familiar?

I just realized something while driving my scooter through Tulum, Mexico. 🛵

It's a metaphor for my entire life.

Here's the thing... the roads here are a lot. Some are paved. But a lot of them? 

Pure dirt, filled with potholes the size of small craters and rocks that'll send you flying if you're not paying attention.

When I first arrived, I had no idea where I was going. I couldn't look at my phone. I didn't know the routes. So I just... barreled forward.

I want to tell you about a recent shift I made in my private practice. 

The reason I want to share is because it might change how you think about therapy, and the healing process, in general.

For years, I worked the way most therapists work. A new client comes in and we talk about their goals. 

What do you want to change? How do you want to feel? What are we working toward?

Then, they'd beautifully articulate why they were stuck and what happened in the past that made them that way.

Did you know that 95% of everything you do comes from your subconscious mind? 🤯

That means most of your behaviors, thoughts, emotions and go-to reactions happen on autopilot. Without you consciously deciding anything.

And here's what I find comical about that: We live in a world that practically worships logic and self-control.

Yet most of us aren't actually in control at all.

In the last 2 months, I’ve been home three days.

Three days.

The rest of the time has been spent in airports, speaking events, family living rooms, and honestly, a lot of time alone with my thoughts.

People keep asking me about my trips. First Mexico, then Washington and California.

And the answer that keeps coming up is: “I feel like I got my spark back.” 🔥

In my last post, I shared that I’ve been feeling a little off lately… like I haven’t been doing exactly what I want to be doing in my life.

But this past weekend, I had the privilege of speaking at the Student Organized Consent Conference Seattle (SOCCS) and that fired me up! 🔥

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Wherever you go, there you are?”

There’s actually a whole book written by Jon Kabatt-Zinn with that title.

Over the last month, I found myself relating to the statement more than ever.

24 hours after landing in Mexico for a kundalini yoga retreat, I knew I wasn’t going home right away.

Something inside me was stirring and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

Maybe it was the meditation where I visualized myself crying in my living room at home.

Even though I’m now a published author, nothing quite says “you’re a real writer” like starting a Substack.

I finally feel legit 😆

But seriously, I am excited to try out this new platform and bring my writing here.

Last night my friend Maggi came over and we celebrated our FAILURES.

That’s right! We baked a cake and everything.

Let me explain…

The other day, I walked out of my house and wandered into the backyard where I have this cozy little sitting space with a fire pit 🔥

Having an outdoor spot where I can be (mostly) alone is basically a requirement for me every time I move.

I do my best thinking outside.

That’s where I can sit quietly, listen to the birds, and really tune in.

Tune into what exactly?

Tune into myself, my intuition, God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it (because honestly, I’m still not sure what to call it).

As I look out my window at the freshly fallen snow, I can hardly believe how fast the time has gone.

This past month especially has been so full of life experiences, it’s hard to know where to begin.

Do I share the emotional high of releasing my book into the world?
Or the shocking family fallout that came because of it?
Do I tell you about the incredible outpouring of love and support from so many wonderful people?
Or about the 15-year friendship that’s suddenly in question?
Do I mention the shame spiral that hit after the book launch?
Or that one of my foster kittens passed away suddenly on Saturday morning? There’s just so much I could write about!

I can hardly believe that today’s the day! My book is officially out in the world! 🌎

And if you can believe it… I’m out of words. 😅

So instead, I’ll let this beautiful review speak for itself:

Back in early 2020, I worked with an amazing coach (hi, Catherine!) who, when she heard I was beginning to write a book, suggested that I start a blog.

 The reason wasn’t to build an audience or gain followers.
It wasn’t about practicing my writing skills or staying consistent with posting.

The sole purpose was to get used to putting my work out into the world. 

So here we are… the grand finale.

The last curtain call in this behind-the-scenes series.
And today? 

We’re digging into the question that's on everyone's mind: How do you stay sane while writing about insane things?  😂

Have you ever heard the Ram Das quote, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family"? 

Boy, do I feel that one.

In this week’s Peeking Behind the Curtain, the question being asked is this: what strategies did you implement to work through this trauma, and did you have to walk away from your family in order to heal?

I’ll answer the second part first.

You know that feeling in life when you're going through something and you think that you’re all alone in it?

That nobody has ever experienced this same exact thing before?

That nobody could possibly relate or understand, or maybe that even if you tried to explain it, the words wouldn’t come out right?

At some point in our lives, we all feel this way.

We’ve all had moments when looking to our past feels… a little heavier than we expected. 

For some of us, that's because the past WAS heavy, but I hope to share in my upcoming book, Everything Makes Perfect Sense: A Journey Through Childhood Trauma, Healing, and Forgiveness, that it doesn't have to stay that way. 

The sting (or gut punch) of the past can fade. And most importantly, it doesn't have to dictate your future.