How Do You Show Up in Relationships?

Have you ever heard of attachment styles?

When I first learned about the concept, my supervisor recommended the well-researched, popular book, Attached.

Geez, I had never been so called out by a book before. 😳

Basically, attachment styles are characterized by the way people relate to one another within intimate relationships.

So what does that mean?

It means, in relationships, how do you show up? Do you avoid conflict or create it? Do you dismiss or do you empathize? Do you cut and run or stay too long? Do you feel the need for space, or do you want to feel connected at all times?

Yes, we’re all different, but usually, our relationship patterns look pretty familiar.

There are three widely accepted styles (and a few subgroups), but the three main categories are:

• Avoidant

• Anxious (or Insecure)

• Secure

Imagine a spectrum, with Secure hanging out peacefully in the middle. Then you’ve got Avoidant on one end, already halfway out the door, and Anxious on the other, clinging on tightly, terrified of being left.

Ok, that might be a little dramatic—but if you’ve ever been caught in one of these patterns, you know it can feel that intense.

I'm a longtime member of the Anxious Attachment Club, and over the years, I’ve gotten to know my tendencies pretty well.

I romanticize people and jump into relationships quickly. Then I overthink everything, scanning constantly for signs of disconnection. When I sense it, I subconsciously act out—trying to create connection in ways that aren’t always helpful. I fear rejection. I stay too long. I’m afraid of being abandoned and left alone.

There. I said it. 💁🏻‍♀️

While I’ve done a lot of work—through trauma therapy, somatic practices, and nervous system regulation—I recently discovered a new angle to all of this that wasn’t obvious to me before:

Control.

Yup. My anxious attachment often disguises itself as helpfulness. But at the root, it’s about trying to control the outcome of a situation—or even control someone else’s behavior—to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty.

I might control the conversation topic. Control how someone perceives me. Try to be the “perfect” partner, sister, friend, coach—because if I can just get everything right, maybe they won’t leave.

But control, no matter how well-meaning, isn’t connection. It’s fear in disguise. And fear creates disconnection—the very thing I was trying to avoid in the first place.

This is where Parts Work comes in.

The anxious part of me isn’t bad. She’s actually trying to protect my younger self—the Inner Child—who once felt abandoned, overlooked, or like love was conditional. Her strategies might be outdated, but her intentions are pure. When I listen with compassion, I realize: she just wants to feel safe.

This is the heart of the healing work. Not shaming these parts, but bringing in my grounded, nurturing Adult Self to support them. Sometimes that looks like a deep breath. Sometimes it’s journaling, tapping, or a walk outside. Sometimes it’s calling a friend to remind myself I’m not alone. All of it is self-regulation—a practice of tending to my nervous system in the moments I feel most out of control.

You might be wondering, “Where does all this anxiety come from?”

Great question. And the answer has layers.

If your anxiety is tied to this relationship—maybe because there’s inconsistency, dishonesty, or a lack of safety—that’s important to recognize. Those things need to be addressed directly, either with your partner or with support from a therapist or coach.

But if your anxiety is mostly internal—coming from old wounds or stories—you may need to go deeper.

This is where trauma-informed therapy, somatic work, and nervous system regulation really shine. Our attachment styles are shaped in early childhood, when our caregivers taught our bodies what to expect from connection. Safety, or lack thereof, was encoded long before we could speak.

And here’s the good news: while attachment patterns are learned, they can also be unlearned. Healing is absolutely possible.

One of my favorite questions to ask myself when I’m spiraling about someone else is:

“How is this person a mirror for me?”

It brings the focus back inward. If I’m feeling clingy or reactive, where can I offer myself the love, security, or validation I’m seeking externally?

Another tool I lean on often is self-soothing.

When I feel my Inner Child getting loud, I pause and breathe. I speak to her with kindness. I visualize my Adult Self holding her hand, letting her know we’re safe now. That she’s not alone. That we’ve got this.

Because the truth is, the only person I can truly control is me. And when I focus on that, everything else becomes clearer.

Controlling others, even subtly, almost always backfires. And for those of us with Anxious attachment, that can trigger the very abandonment we’re trying so hard to avoid.

Fun, right? 😅

Over the next few emails, I’ll be diving into the other attachment styles—Avoidant next month, then Secure.

And if you’re curious about your own attachment styles and how to shift your relationship patterns for the better, then I invite you to click the link and learn about how relationship therapy could be helpful for you… and those around you.