Would You Date You?
As we wrap up this series of emails on attachment styles, I find myself at a bit of a loss. Secure attachment?! What is that?! 😳 😂
It seems to be a unicorn. A mystical creature that we're not sure ever existed… Ok, I’m kidding! Sort of.
Btw, if you’re new here, I highly suggest checking out the last two emails about anxious and avoidant attachment styles. (You can take free quizzes too!)
Anyhoo, when I think of secure attachment,
I think about embodying your Adult-self while in relationships.
You might be thinking, “of course I'm an adult!" BUT, let me ask you this…
Have you ever said something reactionary and then regretted it? Have you ever made a decision that wasn’t best for your relationship but felt good to you? Have you criticized, controlled, or shamed your partner, even if you didn’t mean to?
If you answered yes to any of those things, then I am sorry to say, but you haven't been in, what I call, your Adult-self, at every moment.
It's easier for the Adult (or securely attached person) to see the bigger picture and not get caught up in extreme emotional reactions. They can easily commit or leave a situation that's not working for them.
They have an Us vs. The Problem as opposed to a Me vs. You mentality.
They are whole without the other person, seeing their partner's value, without making them their whole life. They have hobbies, interests and friends and aren’t looking for someone to complete them. They like themselves.
So how do you get to be this securely attached, Adult-self in the first place?
Well, just like other attachment styles, it starts in childhood. Most likely you had parents guide you along the way, without being overly protective or neglectful.
Research shows children become securely attached when they can move freely away from their caregiver and then come back again for safety.
Think about a toddler starting to explore parts of the house without their caregiver, then coming back to the living room to make sure someone is still there.
Or a kid going to school or a friend’s house, then returning home to find stability, safety and consistency.
These secure incubation patterns set you up to feel safe in the world, so you're comfortable leaving the nest to go create a new safe place for your future.
But, for those of us working to be more secure NOW, here are a few ideas.
Know your attachment style. Increase your awareness of how it shows up in relationships and work on some of the things mentioned in the last two emails.
Strengthen your Adult-self on your own, regardless of relationship status, by committing to yourself. That means, keep promises to yourself. Care for yourself. Get clear on your needs and wants and prioritize them. Look within, become aware of your emotions, and validate them.
No matter if you're in a romantic relationship or not, the more you commit to you, the more someone is going to want to commit to you. The more you like being you, the more someone is going to like being with you. The better you treat you, the better someone is going to treat you.
So, let's bring more unicorns into the world! Date you! Commit to you! Love you! Then watch how you, and your relationships, become more secure in the process.