Let's Talk about Talking: Part III

In the last two blog posts, Let’s Talk about Talking: Parts I & II, we discussed a variety of nuanced components of communication that are important to understand for clear expression. Now, we will walk through a hands-on model to use when expressing yourself to someone else.

1)    The facts of the situation…

2)    I feel… (emotions ie: mad, sad, glad, frustrated, excited, etc.)

3)    The story I am telling myself is…

4)    This is important to me because…

The first sentence prompt is an opportunity to set the scene. It’s important here to state the facts and not judgements in disguise. For example, “I saw you put the dishes in the sink,” is different from, “I saw you throw your dishes angrily in the sink.” The second sentence may be stating the same gesture, but there is a tone of judgement with the added interruption of the actions.

“I feel” statements seem to be the bread and butter of any non-violent communication model. However, people often confuse, “I feel like you’re being a jerk right now,” with an actual feeling statement. Owning our feelings instead of blaming others helps to deescalate a situation and foster connection, empathy and compassion.

Tip: If you ever follow the statement “I feel” with the word “like” it is no longer a feeling statement.

Recognizing the internal story is your opportunity to own whatever untrue stories are happening inside your mind. It’s a chance to be vulnerable and admit, “The story I am telling myself is I am the only one cares about a clean kitchen and that you don’t care about my needs in this relationship. Now I am know that’s just the story I am telling myself, but that’s what happening in my head.” The receiver, then, has a chance to clarify the story and state if it is true or not.

The last sentence prompt, “This is important to be me because,” is another chance to own why you’re taking the time to mention whatever is happening. For example, “It’s important to me to have a clean kitchen because when I was young my house was often dirty and messy which felt chaotic.”

These prompts will do wonders to help figure yourself out. It’s also important to remember when you’re ready to communicate with someone else that only 7% of communication is the words we use and the rest falls to body language, tone and facial expressions.

Therefore, going into an important conversation when you are grounded, prepared, and with a touch of humility, goes a long way.