Want To Know My Favorite Question To Ask?

The other day, when talking to a friend, he asked a simple, yet crucial question.

“What’s one thing you do to help people validate their feelings?”

We had been talking about how people often invalidate their own feelings with phrases like, 

“I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”  

“It’s really not that big of a deal.”

“I shouldn't be crying." 

Sure, in some cases these phrases might be appropriate, but when we use them to discount or completely dismiss our feelings, there are significant consequences.

Let’s follow the tread: Emotions are signals in the body that show up as a result of a stimulus. The stimulus could be a thought, an action or a sensation in the body. 

So, when we tell ourselves our emotions are wrong, we're saying that our body signals are wrong; which is confusing because we’re actually experiencing something while saying that we shouldn’t be or that we’re not.

It's basically what kids these days call gaslighting.

Not believing signals from your body leads to an erosion of trust with yourself.

Oof.

AND if you think your own feelings are wrong or essentially shouldn’t exist then it would make perfect sense for you to assume the same thing about other people's emotions, causing disconnection and distrust in personal relationships.

Double oof.

So, to recap, when we invalidate, discount and push away our own feelings, it creates disconnection and distrust within ourselves and others.

See what I mean by significant consequences?

Anyhoo, back to my friend’s question! He was asking about how I help people validate their feelings, which is a vital component of my work, and yet, I hadn’t before pinned down exactly what it is I do…

But a clear answer came quickly and I responded to his question with a question. 

I said, “Why does it all make perfect sense?”

It’s a question my mentor often asked me and now I ask everyone who will listen! 

“Why do these feelings make absolute perfect sense given everything you currently are experiencing, and have ever been through in your life?”

Why does the anger, the sadness, the grief, the anxiety, the depression, the critical thoughts, the negative beliefs, the limited thinking, all make perfect sense given everything you currently are experiencing, and have ever been through in life?

Are you currently over worked, or going through a loss? Are you reenacting old patterns in relationships? Did you experience periods of scarcity, abandonment or abuse in your childhood and is that subconsciously impacting you? 

Either way, the more you dig, the more it probably all makes sense. 

Just like all those feelings make sense, other feelings (and lack of feelings) also make sense. Why does the love (or lack thereof), the excitement (or lack thereof), the empathy (or lack thereof), the confidence (or lack thereof), the peace (or lack thereof) make sense given everything you currently are, and have ever been through in life?

In my experience, 100% of the time, the answer clearly validates the feelings. When feelings are validated, we feel understood by ourself and others. When we feel understood, we ultimately feel seen, heard, and loved. 

Your feelings may be lots of things, but they aren't wrong. So, if you ever have any doubt, then try asking yourself that one simple, yet crucial, question. 

And if you think someone else might benefit from this question too, then please send this their way. We want as many people as possible creating healthy, strong relationships with themselves and others.