Old Jeans & New Dreams

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Wherever you go, there you are?”

There’s actually a whole book written by Jon Kabatt-Zinn with that title.

Over the last month, I found myself relating to the statement more than ever.

If you’ve been keeping up, about a month ago I went on a Kundalini yoga retreat in Tulum, Mexico and on the second day decided I wasn’t going home right away.

Instead, I’ve been living in this very interesting world of spiritual yogis, $12 açaí bowls and wealthily tourists.

And while I wasn’t entirely sure why I felt the pull to stay, I want to share a few things that I’ve realized on this impromptu adventure.

First off, I’ve gained a lot of gratitude for my life!

I love seeing my clients and being of service.

I love living in a beautiful location and having the freedom to go where I want, when I want.

I love that I just published my first book and am actively supporting other survivors online and through workshops at conferences.

I love that I have dear friends and connective family relationships.

AND… something’s missing.

Something’s been missing for a long time.

What’s missing leads to an undercurrent of dissatisfaction that ripples out into all areas of my life.

And while I can blame my discontent with all sorts of external factors (if you’ve read my past posts, you know what I’m talking about), it’s when I take myself out of my everyday environment that I realize:

I’m the problem, it’s me.

As someone who literally advertises that she helps people “live the life they want” it’s scary to admit when I’m not actually living the life I want…. at least not fully.

And while this is something I help others navigate on a regular basis, it’s a lot harder to do for my own life.

What I’ve noticed in myself, and in my clients, is that when we’re afraid to go after what we want, we keep the dream so vague that it’s not accomplishable.

Because when it’s not clear, we don’t set the right goals and therefore don’t take the right steps.

Instead, we end up walking in circles feeling constantly disappointed that we’re not at the finish line yet.

This gives the Inner Critic plenty of ammo to say, “See, I was right, you aren’t good enough.”

To which the Inner Child easily responds with, “I knew I couldn’t do it.”

And that dynamic goes around and around and around, which keeps the nervous system stuck, dysregulated and overwhelmed.

Hence, unmotivated.

So, why don’t we take tangible steps?

Because we’re scared.

Scared to fail. Scared to succeed. Scared to be judged. Scared to work hard. Scared of burnout. Scared of letting old things go. Scared of making new commitments.

So instead, we do nothing.

Or worse.

We do just enough to make it seem like we’re trying so we can justify feeling sorry for ourselves and find proof that it’s not working.

And that’s where I’ve been.

But there’s another part of me that would argue that I have been doing things!

Heck, just four months ago I published a book!

You can’t tell me I’m not going after my dreams and making things happen.

But here’s the thing with goals and dreams:

They lose juice as you grow and expand.

So the goal of publishing a book had juice years ago.

But the more it became a reality, the less juice it had.

And that’s a good thing.

That’s growth.

That’s evolution.

It wouldn’t be so great if I was still completely jazzed on the book.

It’s like I’ve outgrown my favorite pair of jeans and I need to accept the reality that I need to break in a new pair.

Nobody likes breaking in a new pair of jeans.

It’s a little uncomfortable at first. It’s takes time. They might not fit just right.

But eventually, they’ll become second skin. So comfortable you could even fall asleep in them.

And just about that time, you’ll notice the first sign of wear and tear, probably right in the crotch area.

And you’ll know, it’s only a matter of time, only a matter of washes, until you’re in the market again for new pair.

And that’s where I’ve been.

The old jeans have a hole in them. And the new jeans don’t quite feel right yet.

But Mexico has helped me break in the jeans like nothing else.

It helped me see that all those justifications for why things weren’t happening were just that – justifications.

Because I realized that it doesn’t matter where I am in the world, I am still me.

And I’m still not completely fulfilled with what I’m doing with my life.

Which, at this point, is entirely on me.

But this side quest has shown me that I’m ready.

I’m ready to set some real goals.

To follow the steps, to do the things.

It’ll be different, it’ll be uncomfortable, and I’m doing it scared.

But I’m finally at the point where I’m more scared of not doing it at all.

So stay tuned. Lots more coming! 💜