Why Forgiveness is So Confusing

n my last post, I shared that I’ve been feeling a little off lately… like I haven’t been doing exactly what I want to be doing in my life.

But this past weekend, I had the privilege of speaking at the Student Organized Consent Conference Seattle (SOCCS) and that fired me up! 🔥

One of the topics the students were most interested in was forgiveness.

Not because they felt clear about it… but because it’s confusing.

And honestly, that’s exactly why I love talking about it.

When I bring up the word forgiveness, people tend to have strong reactions. Some people lean in. Some people get uncomfortable. Some people immediately push back.

And that makes perfect sense.

Because forgiveness means different things to different people.

Different religions define it differently. Different cultures talk about it in different ways. Families often have their own expectations around it too.

So one of the first things I asked the students to do was simple:

Write down what you think forgiveness means.

But the answers were all over the place. And that’s part of the problem.

Over the years, forgiveness has gotten mixed up with a lot of other ideas. Ideas like reconciliation. Obligation. Forgetting. Doing something for someone else.

For a lot of people, forgiveness has even been weaponized against them.

I know that was true for me.

For years, my mom pushed me to forgive my brother. But what she really wanted was something different.

She wanted our family to go back to how it used to be. But that wasn’t possible, regardless of forgiveness.

And, her pushing me only pushed me further away from it, and her, for 10 years.

Until finally I was sick and tired of my own emotional rollercoaster.

Until I was done being angry and resentful because it was only hurting me, not him.

Before I forgave my abuser, I felt like I was living life in survival mode.

But after, I realized, it was the one thing that calmed my nervous system permanently.

Because I finally felt safe in my own body.

Because real forgiveness is an act of empowerment.

Not because the past changed.
Not because the relationship changed.

But because I changed.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean a lot of things. But it does mean, releasing what’s no longer serves you.

And that is a choice that is entirely for you, about you, and no one else. 💜