What If You Embraced All Parts of Yourself?

I’ve been noticing a theme lately. I’ve noticed it in myself and it’s been coming up in conversations with friends and with clients. 

It’s something that can really keep people stuck, but if you're able to gain some true acceptance and share what's happening, it has the potential to set you free. 

What I’ve noticed is that a lot of us have a hard time accepting ourselves for who we are, right here, right now. 

Like FULL acceptance – of ALL the parts. 

Like the messy, complicated, irritable, angry, sad parts that pop up sometimes.

The part that made poor choices, the part that can’t believe they’re acting this way, the part that did things to protect themselves, the part that's scared of being seen.

You know, those parts?

And if you still can’t relate, think about something you want to keep hidden from people. Or something you’re embarrassed of or are trying to avoid.

These are all parts of yourself that hold shame.

Especially for those of us who've experienced abuse growing up, shame is almost inevitable. It's linked with the belief of “I’m bad.”

When abuse happens in childhood, kids assume it’s their fault. They can’t understand that a parent or a sibling, or someone else, is really the problem. They don’t have the ability to see it that way. So logically, they conclude, they are the ones who are bad.

But here's the truth: it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t have a choice about how the people around you acted. 

You were just a kid adapting to the environment you were in. 

 The problem is, no matter how much we try to logic it out, avoid it, or pretend it isn’t there, that shame plays out in our lives. 

It affects our work, relationships, how we present ourselves, how we act and feel. And while we didn't have control as kids, we do have control now, as adults. 

So, if shame is something we push away and hide, then what’s the antidote?

Acceptance and sharing.

I remember one time in college I got terribly drunk and treated my friend badly. The next day, she rightfully told me how she felt.

I can still hear her words: “I hate Drunk Brinn.”

When she said this, do you think I apologized? HECK NO! I didn’t say a word. 

The shame that had built up inside me all my life took over and silenced me. 

I walked away. I didn’t want to hear it, because I didn’t want someone else confirming what I already knew – that I was bad. 

The pain of admitting what I did was excruciating, which is why I avoided it! 

I can always tell when I feel ashamed because I either want to hide or I get defensive. Either way, I'm trying to protect myself from feeling like sh*t.  

Eventually, however, I accepted what I did, the pain passed, I genuinely apologized and used it as a catalyst to change my drinking habits.

See, it was only when I accepted what I did, that could I do something about it.

 Acceptance had to come first.

If I had stayed in denial or defense, I wouldn’t have been able to feel the pain of what had happened, and I would've never apologized or made any changes. 

And guess what? The person I hurt is still one of my best friends today.

Because when you accept the messy, conflicted, complicated person you are, it makes it a helluva lot easier for others to accept you too.

My advice: Feel the thing. Feel whatever it is that you’re avoiding, whatever it is you’re embarrassed of, whatever it is that you’re trying to hide – feel the feeling and let it set you free.