Inner Critic: Friend or Foe?
I’m not good enough
I’m not smart enough
I’m not pretty enough
I’m not skinny enough
I’m not worth it
I’m not lovable
I’m not deserving
I’m not safe
I’m a burden
I’m alone
These are just a few of the *lovely* thoughts that my inner critic tells me sometimes. Over the years since I have gotten to know my critic, our relationship has gone from one of hate, fear and anger to one of understanding and love.
After years of feeling exhausted, over worked, and beaten down, I finally had a talk with my inner critic. Through an 8-day personal-growth training at the Authentic Leadership Center in Sacramento, CA, I learned a lot about where my inner critic comes from; what my critic really wants; and how I can help decrease the intensity of that part of myself.
Where Does the Inner Critic Come From?
When we are children, we are constantly taking in information about the world around us. Up until about age 10 or 11, our perspective is largely focused on ourselves and creating understanding and meaning through the interactions we have with other people. The messages that we receive are either implicate or explicate; words, tone, body language, behaviors, and people’s actions we take to mean something about ourselves.
For example, at 5-years old if you brought a drawing to Dad and he takes one look at it and says “This isn’t art” and tosses it aside, your 5-year old-self will create a meaning about yourself. Perhaps right then and there you decided not to draw any more because you didn’t want to feel rejected by Dad again. Maybe you created a belief about yourself thinking “I am not good at art” or simply, “I am not good enough”. Maybe that turns into “I am not creative” later in life when you have a more advanced vocabulary.
The messages that we constantly receive as young children, both positive and negative, shape our inner landscape. Often when I work with people they will say that their inner critic sounds just like their mother or their father or that sports coach they didn’t like. People often feel it is the critic’s job to beat them up and to point out every flaw they had, which perhaps, is similar to a caregiver experience. However, if you were to ask these adults that were sending these messages to children, you would probably get a different story from them.
Why Does My Critic Push Me So Hard?
If you can, try thinking about your inner critic like this: You’re a parent who sees their child run out in the middle of the street unexpectedly. You might yell and say something like “You SHOULD NEVER run into the middle of the street! WHY did you do that? You NEED to walk right beside me for the rest of the day.”
In that moment, the adult is yelling, sounding critical and even punishing to the child, but in reality they are trying to protect the child because they are really worried about their safety and survival.
This is the same thing with our inner critic.
At the end of the day, our inner critic genuinely wants good things for us. In fact, that part of ourselves has worked tirelessly for years, pushing for you to be the best you can be, to ensure that you survive, thrive, and even find happiness.
With clients I often conduct an “Inner Critic Interview” where I ask the client to speak entirely from the critic point of view. While it can be scary and hard to hear all of the nasty judgments that part of ourselves hold, upon closer examination, we come to discover that the reason they are so critical and pushy is actually because they are trying to protect you from harm.
Ultimately, this part wants you to be successful, happy, to get that dream job or dream relationship or dream life. They are terrified that somehow you’ll screw it all up without them constantly watching out for bumps in the road. But in actually, they can end up holding you back from doing the things you most want to do.
I know for me, my inner critic has held be back at different points in life. I have also found that by understanding my critic and having compassion for myself, I now feel empowered to view the critic as more of an ally; a part of myself that really wants me to accomplish all my dreams, experience joy, and for me to be loved and love those around me.
What To Do Next
At the end of the day our critic, just like our adult selves, simply wants to be heard and acknowledged. Often, we think that it’s easier to push those thoughts aside, but that can make the situation worse. So next time your critic is having a field day after some seemingly nominal mistake that occurred, try taking these three steps:
Take a deep breath. This helps in every situation by creating a space in the mind between thoughts, which allows for step 2.
Acknowledge what the critic is saying. Recognize this part; seeing it and validating it, helps keep it feeling useful and prevents spinouts into hyperdrive.
Thank the critic. Showing gratitude for the critic that is trying to protect you can make a world of difference.
By engaging in those three steps, you are automatically not in “critic mode” anymore, and more than likely will have a different perspective on the situation. But who knows, check it out for yourself and report back!