Inner Critic: Friend or Foe?

You’re not good enough

You’re not smart enough

You’re not pretty enough 

You’re not skinny enough

You’re not worth it 

You’re not lovable 

You’re not deserving

You’re a burden 

You’re alone 

These are just a few of the *lovely* thoughts that my inner critic tells me sometimes. Over the years, my relationship with my inner critic has transformed dramatically—from one rooted in hate, fear, and anger to one grounded in understanding and love.

For a long time, I felt exhausted, overworked, and beaten down by the relentless voice in my head. But everything changed when I finally decided to have a real conversation with my inner critic. During an 8-day personal growth training at the Authentic Leadership Center in Sacramento, CA, I learned where my critic comes from, what it truly wants, and how I can soften its intensity.

Where Does the Inner Critic Come From?

As children, we’re constantly absorbing information about the world around us. Until about age 10 or 11, our understanding of life is deeply self-centered—not in a selfish way, but in a developmental sense. We make meaning of the world based on how others interact with us, drawing conclusions about ourselves from their words, tone, body language, and behaviors.

Imagine this: At five years old, you proudly bring a drawing to your dad. He glances at it, says, “This isn’t art,” and tosses it aside. That moment may seem small to an adult, but to a child, it can become a defining experience. You might decide, right then and there, not to draw anymore to avoid that painful rejection. You might think, “I’m not good at art,” or even “I’m not good enough.” As you grow older, that belief could evolve into “I’m not creative.”

These kinds of messages—both spoken and unspoken—form the building blocks of our inner world. Over time, they give rise to the inner critic. And often, when I work with clients, they say their critic sounds just like their mom, dad, or that mean coach from childhood. It can feel like the critic’s job is to point out every flaw, echoing a caregiver's voice. But if you were to ask those adults now, they might have a very different story about what they intended.

Why Does My Critic Push Me So Hard?

Think of it like this: You're a parent watching your child run into the street unexpectedly. You might yell, “You should NEVER do that! Why would you? You NEED to stay by my side!” Your tone sounds harsh, even punishing—but beneath it is deep concern. You’re scared, and you’re trying to protect your child from danger.

That’s exactly what the inner critic is doing.

At its core, your critic wants what’s best for you. It’s been working tirelessly—sometimes aggressively—to help you survive, succeed, and even find happiness.

When I work with clients, I often guide them through an “Inner Critic Interview,” where they speak entirely from the voice of the critic. While this can be uncomfortable at first, it often reveals something profound: the critic’s harshness comes from fear and a deep desire to protect. It’s worried you’ll mess things up if it doesn’t stay vigilant. It wants you to land that dream job, find that perfect relationship, and live a good life.

But ironically, the very part that wants you to succeed can sometimes hold you back—paralyzing you with fear of failure or judgment.

I know mine has. There were moments in my life where my inner critic kept me from taking risks or trying new things. But as I began to understand that voice—and as I practiced compassion toward it—I started seeing it not as an enemy, but as an ally. A part of me that wants me to experience joy, fulfillment, and love.

What To Do Next

Our inner critic, just like any part of us, wants to be heard and acknowledged. Most of us try to push it away or silence it, thinking that will make things easier—but avoidance often makes things worse.

Next time your critic flares up after a small mistake or setback, try these three steps:

1. Take a deep breath.
   This creates space between your thoughts and emotions, allowing for greater clarity.

2. Acknowledge what the critic is saying.
   Don’t push it away. Recognize the voice. Validate it. This helps it feel seen and prevents it from spiraling into overdrive.

3. Thank the critic.
   Yep, thank it. Expressing gratitude to the part of you that’s trying (however clumsily) to protect you can create a powerful shift.

By taking these steps, you step out of “critic mode” and into a more grounded, compassionate version of yourself. You just might find a new perspective waiting on the other side.

Try it out. And when you do—I'd love to hear what you discover 💜